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PIA ARRENDELL, LMFT
Are you Anxiously Attached?
Understanding Anxious Attachment in Relationships
Anxious attachment is a type of attachment style that can affect the way we relate to others in romantic relationships. People with anxious attachment styles may have a deep-seated fear of being abandoned or rejected, and may feel a strong need for reassurance and validation from their partners.
If you have an anxious attachment style, you may have a tendency to worry excessively about your relationship and the potential for your partner to leave you. You may also have difficulty trusting your partner and may feel a constant need for their attention and affection.
While anxious attachment can be challenging, it is possible to work on and improve your attachment style. Here are some tips for managing anxious attachment in a relationship:
Practice self-awareness. The first step in managing anxious attachment is to become aware of your patterns and behaviors in your relationships. Pay attention to how you react to your partner's actions and words, and try to identify any patterns or triggers that may be contributing to your anxious feelings.
Seek support. If you are struggling with anxious attachment, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be helpful. They can provide guidance and support as you work on managing your anxious feelings and improving your attachment style.
Communicate openly and honestly. Good communication is key in any relationship, and it is especially important if you have an anxious attachment style. Be open and honest with your partner about your feelings and concerns, and try to listen actively to their perspective as well.
Practice self-care. Taking care of yourself is an important aspect of managing anxious attachment. This includes taking time for yourself, engaging in activities that nourish your mind and body, and setting aside time for self-reflection.
Seek reassurance when needed. While it's important to be independent and self-sufficient, there is nothing wrong with seeking reassurance from your partner when you need it. Just be sure to communicate your needs clearly and try not to rely on your partner for constant reassurance.
Anxious attachment can be challenging, but by practicing self-awareness, seeking support, communicating openly and honestly, practicing self-care, and seeking reassurance when needed, you can work towards a more secure and fulfilling relationship.
Infidelity
Infidelity, often seen as a major breakdown in a marriage or relationship, can feel like something that could never happen to you. It happens to “those couples over there.” Sure, your marriage has its ups and downs, but your partner couldn't—no, wouldn't—betray your trust in such a devastating way. We all live in this bubble of thinking, a bubble that shields us from realizing that anything is possible given the right circumstances.
In 2014, The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that 41% of couples sampled admitted to one or both spouses having had either an emotional affair or sexual infidelity. What happens when you discover that infidelity did indeed happen to you? That you are actually “that couple over there”?
The initial shock of the betrayal can cause a wide range of emotions. In an instant, everything comes to a halt, and you may be left searching for something to hold onto as the emotional upheaval begins to shake your world.
Some people experience:
Numbness
Denial
Anger
Overwhelming sadness and grief
A profound sense of loss
Hopelessness
A desire for revenge
You may find yourself asking questions like these:
How did this happen to us? How did we get here?
What am I going to do? If my marriage ends, can I survive financially?
What about the children?
Does my spouse love the person with whom they had their affair? Does my spouse want to leave?
What else has my spouse lied about? Do I even know them?
Should I leave? Should I stay?
Once the truth is out and you try to pick up the pieces of your seemingly shattered world while grappling with “how could this happen to me?”, you also face society’s judgments placed upon you and your partner. Everyone thinks they know what they would do in this situation—or at least they think they do. “If I were you, I would… (fill in the blank).” The reality is nobody knows how they will react until they are confronted with the complicated realities of infidelity themselves, when their marriage, their dreams, and their children’s lives are all uncertain.
The fear of being exposed and judged by close friends and family may make you feel alone during a time when emotional support is most needed. For many couples, marriage counseling or couples therapy serves as a safe space to discuss all these rising emotions, questions, and fears. If you are currently going through the emotional turmoil caused by extramarital affairs, I want you to know that you are not alone. There is hope after an affair!
Understanding Infidelity
Understanding why infidelity occurs is crucial in dealing with its aftermath. The effects of cheating go beyond just the individuals involved; they affect families and social circles as well. As you think about how to handle infidelity, it’s important to define what cheating means to you and recognize its various forms—such as emotional infidelity versus sexual infidelity.
Seeking Guidance
As you navigate this difficult path of recovering from infidelity, seek advice on rebuilding trust and finding ways to cope with betrayal. Remember that the impact of infidelity on relationships varies greatly depending on the dynamics between partners and the circumstances surrounding the affair.
Engaging in couples counseling can provide valuable support as you work through the complex emotions tied to adultery and strive for healing. Be open about discussing not only the pain caused by the betrayal but also underlying issues that may have contributed—such as jealousy or unmet needs within the relationship.
Ultimately, healing from infidelity requires patience, communication, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself and your partner.
Relationship Strengthening
Joint fun activities increase intimacy
Everyone’s relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. But there are some things that good relationships have in common. Knowing the basic principles of healthy relationships helps keep them meaningful, fulfilling, and exciting in both happy times and sad:
What makes a healthy love relationship?
1. Staying involved with each other.
Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without truly relating to each other and working together. While it may seem stable on the surface, lack of involvement and communication increases distance. When you need to talk about something important, the emotional connection may no longer be there.
Spending quality time together and actively listening to each other are essential for maintaining intimacy and understanding healthy relationship dynamics.
2. Getting through conflict.
Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict.
Effective communication is crucial; you need to feel safe expressing things that bother you without fear of retaliation.
Mastering conflict resolution skills allows you to resolve disagreements without humiliation or degradation, fostering trust and mutual respect.
3. Keeping outside relationships and interests alive.
No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a romantic relationship.
Supporting each other's goals and having friends with outside interests not only strengthens your social network but also brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship.
This balance helps maintain personal identity while enriching your connection.
4. Communicating.
Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship.
When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened.
Nonverbal cues—body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm—are critical to effective communication.
Understanding love languages can also enhance how you connect emotionally.
In essence, building and maintaining a healthy relationship requires dedication, understanding, and continuous effort from both partners.
By embracing conflict as a natural part of growth through effective conflict management, nurturing individual interests while supporting each other's aspirations, and fostering open communication through both words and actions, couples can create a strong foundation for lasting love and companionship.
Remember that every relationship is unique; identifying signs of a healthy relationship and finding the right balance of these elements is a journey that partners take together, learning and adapting as they grow closer to one another.
Consider the importance of emotional connection in relationships as you navigate challenges and seek fulfillment in your romantic partnership.